How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie – Book of the Week.

how-to-win-friendsThis book will teach you one of the most essential skills for success is business. It will teach you how to communicate, communicate in a way in which you can influence people to act upon in favor of you which of course can be negative if used wrong, but if used right can help in certain aspects. Communication is essential to success. You won’t reach success without it. We need to talk, we need to communicate. You may try without it but until you communicate you will struggle. I tried, many tried, you can learn from the mistakes others and I made or you can choose to waste time and try it out yourself.

Last week I provided one epic lesson, this week I’m going into a few. I’ll mention at the end why you should apply these with caution but if applied at right doses they can be of great value. Not in terms of friendship, but in terms of influencing people.

First. Learn far more good with rewards for good behavior than punishment for bad behavior. Now Daniel H. Pink contradicts that in terms of rewards not being affected as they create an urge for more rewards meaning give me x or I won’t do this which can be seen in children which won’t learn anything unless parents give them sweets which essentially leads to the individual controlling someone which reverse engineers the punishment in a way. The person in charge gets punished instead, so someone still loses.

It is however clear to me that over positive feedback rather than negative feedback works, and it works effectively. To simply put be nice, and you will get better performance from people. One of the beauties of human beings is that we have emotions and thoughts, that at the same time can be our enemy. “The subtle art of how to not give a F*ck will help with choosing what to care about and what to not care about, but it won’t stop the fact we will never be fully able to master every emotion and most importantly while you might be able to master it with all the knowledge you consume and apply… You are not other people, they will more than likely not possess that knowledge.

Instead of criticizing, acknowledge the good, what you like, and then suggest a change. (but genuine good, people can sense “fake.”) Criticism won’t help you. Think about it, did you ever feel good after someone criticized you? I know every time when I play soccer(football),when someone gives me positive feedback like “Hard-luck Michael, keep going” rather than “what are you doing” I perform better. As because “what are you doing kills confidence. Instead of stressing somebody look at it from their point of view, why do they do this? Maybe they don’t know better, maybe they were never thought better. You can’t blame someone for not knowing what you know as even the rich will not posses some of the information you learned through the likes of your own personal experience.  Simply look at things from your but also other peoples point of view as you don’t know their fully story, you don’t know why they do things they do. 

And lastly the last lesson I’ll mention out of many learned in this book is about arguments.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it, and if you win it, you lose it.”If you win an argument then you will probably feel great, but so what, you could be losing a friend, a business partner, a possible relationship. The way for both people to win an agreement is to agree on certain ideas. When you see that you could be wrong, admit it. That will make the conversation more open and allow the other individual to state their mistake. Make suggestions, but make the other person come to their conclusions, nobody likes being forced stuff down their throat.

7-26-16-lolTony Robbins says that if you are going to blame people for all the shit, then you got to blame them for all the good too. Most people can only criticize for the bad, but can never acknowledge the good. That doesn’t mean being fake, a lot of people are experts at that, being fake will only get you so far. You need to look at the situation from a real point of view what do I really like about this, compared to giving a random compliment. Give honest appreciation and that will get you somewhere.10-1-16-low

 

Lesson number two. Instead of forcing somebody to do it, make them want to do it. The reality is that this world is not free. I’m not talking about money here, money is merely one currency for the exchange of goods, there’s many different methods of payment , “you give me this service, I give you that,” “I teach you this, you teach me that.” It can be the simplest method like making someone feel good by giving them a compliment, that’s a form of payment too.

People rarely think about you, sure they might care but they are their number one priority.  Why talk to someone about basketball if they have no liking for it and have an interest in Football. Don’t talk about basketball the other person won’t have a clue what you are talking about, talk about Football, ask them how is their favorite team doing, maybe even suggest that you’ve been thinking of trying it out.  Ask if the individual has any tips, that’s how you start a conversation.

You need to talk to people from their point of interest as you are not talking to yourself, you are talking to them. Get what you want by talking from their point of view. The powerful thing about this book is that it teaches you how to get what you want without ever exactly mentioning what you want.

But certainly the most powerful lesson I learned from it was the Power of disadvantages and advantages. The book mentions a story about a payment increase, and it simply shows how using advantages and disadvantages is a far more effective method of persuasion than criticism over decisions, over forcing tone, over complaining. By simply firstly being reasonable about one’s decisions, putting yourself into someones skin, “ I would probably do the same if I was you” kind of situation, and then writing down the advantages and disadvantages of each situation and figuring out if the positives outweigh the negative and vice versa.

 

Quote  of the book:

“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it, and if you win it, you lose it.”

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Overall this book makes it into my top three but receives only a 7/10, it’s a great read but also a read that should be read with caution. Complimenting people is great, all of these things mentioned are great, but not for everything. Do too much of complimenting  and agreeing to much as well as a few ideas I did not mention in this review like for example smiling, and you become powerless. This book teaches you how to manipulate in your favor but if over applied it can do the exact opposite. It can make people not take you seriously. Smiling to everything, agreeing with everything.. before you know it people will not take you seriously and will manipulate you as an easy target. I see this book as a tool for entrepreneurs and for getting what you want from people which is both good and bad, but I don’t see the value of this book in terms of building relationships. It’s a book that will help your in tough situations,  but not a book I would trust for values on how to build friendships. In 1936 these values  for friendships could had applied as the world was different. Today I would merely use it as a tool for business, getting deals, getting opportunities that require persuasion. The problem with this book is that it doesn’t teach you how to built great relationships, it tells you how to win them. Reality is that you can’t win great relationships. Influencing people, this book gets a 10/10. Sales it gets a 10/10. Getting friends.. it’s a 1/10.  For me and the work I do this book holds a great value, for an individual working a job that does not require persuasion it’s not that useful.

 

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